Here it is.

Here’s your shot. Your time to shine.

Surviving Liverpool’s purpose was to speak for those who wouldn’t have a voice in the school otherwise. My friends and I had become fed up with the lack of common sense at LHS, and so we began this project. It’s become far larger and prominent than we had originally planned, and as I’m sure you’ve noticed, we’ve encountered many types of people.

Some agree with me 100%, some are moderate, and some respectfully disagree with the things I write. Some choose to spam or display their mental deficiency in some other drastic form. Some view my writing as a hostile assault; I’ve heard that some people from journalism are spreading rumors that I “hate everyone” in journalism.

For the record, I can honestly say that I truly respect everyone in journalism. George has told me time and time again that writing for the paper is no easy task, and I believe him. Still, many of the articles that are written are less than acceptable. I’ve been told that the “bad” articles are simply posted online, and left out of print. No kidding. Some of the stuff I’ve read on TLO is even worse than the worst print articles.

But this is where you come in, journalism. This is where everyone comes in.

I challenge all of you to write about things you truely care about. Things you hate, things you love. Perhaps you hate Eric and I and really wish you could print an in-depth article about how both of us should be publicly executed. Regardless of what it is, I want you to write about it.

And so tomorrow, Surviving Liverpool will become a forum, publicly accessible from the school. A discussion board, if you will. No more “I only had a month”, no more “I really didn’t like my topic”, no more excuses. I’m giving you a chance to prove yourselves to everyone. You have the chance to write to your peers and to the world on a private website. No restrictions. As much as you want, whenever you want, whatever you want. SL won’t only be for journalism, however. I invite — no, encourage — everyone to create as many discussions as they’d like, about anything they’d like.

“So, what’s the catch?”

Not one, but two. First, you’ll need to register. I’ve added “balls” as a requirement to participate along with “typing”, “a brain”, and the ability to complete a capatcha. Second, I’m going to be less tolerant of idiocy. Spam and things I deem “over-the-top” will remain on the website, along with a nice, red, boldfaced line at the bottom that reads, “User was banned for this post [BanTime] – Reason”.

Lastly, I’m going to appoint Moderators. These “Mods” will have powers over the common user, such as the ability to sticky, move, or otherwise modify a discussion. I’d like to have a wide range of Mods, all with different ideals and interests, so as to accommodate for every student. Currently, I’m looking at:

- Eric Nagy
- John Caiella
- Aaron Smith-Bernard
- Antoinette Esce
- Chris Voll
- George Clarke
- Michelle Hemmings-Jones
- David Owens
- Ian Pauchard
- Kyle Gordon
- Lance Stobnicke
- Libby Northrup
- Mike Corsaro
- Seth Olson
- Zachary Northrup

I haven’t talked to any of these individuals about this project, save George, and I’m sure that not all of them will be interested. Still, I feel that this list encompasses many different students with many different outlooks. Of course, each one of these individuals is free to write, as well. If you’re on this list and you’d like to be a Mod, just let me know through a Facebook message or through a whisper on the new SL site. Message me if you’re not on this list and you’d be interested in the position, as well.

You’ll be able to access the new site by 12AM EST, if not now, by directing your browser to sliverpool.co.cc, which will redirect you to manatap.net/sl, where I’m going to host the site for a week or two, until I grab survivingliverpool.com.

By the way: Great job with the Deep End Show. I’ll be sure to write something about that tomorrow.

High School Love: Is it Worth It? by Maylinh Luong

I’m not going to pretend that, at sixteen, I know much about this topic. Given my lack of wisdom and experience that can only be granted by age, it wouldn’t be my place to give a response to this topic. I would like to say, however, that I do have some things I’d like to toss out there about SADD, which will appear in an upcoming post.

The Rise and Demise of Nickelodeon by Colin Savage

A good topic. I do miss the old lineup.

Please Sir, May I Have Some More Indie Rock? by Marie Mhina

Another interesting article. While Indie may not be my favorite kind of music, I thought it was cool that a rarely-heard-of genre got some attention.

Johnny on the Spot by Corey Crockett

I found this article to be both interesting and informative, not to mention well-written.

Stellar Support: The Refuge and Us by Brendan Capria

I’m glad that the school made the wise decision to let God into the lives of students, even in subtle quantities. If you haven’t checked out the Refuge yet, I really would give it a shot. Northside is actually my church, as well.

What’s on the Menu? by Julie Goetz

The Lifeguard really did well this issue publishing interesting articles. Good to see.

A Life? Cool! Where Can I Download One? by Joshua Peelman

While there was clearly effort put into this article, it should be understood that there’s a difference between doing well in school and succeeding and being a “geek.” Doing well in school, sacrificing some time for the good of your future, and aplying for scholarships makes you intelligent, not geeky. Secondly, playing sports or not doesn’t define wether you’re a geek or not, or even if you’re intelligent or not. Still, I’m glad Josh made the point that sports don’t make a life, even if you’re a superstar. However, I found that Josh had a crippling error in his writing. Superiority to your audience can be a strong influence if used properly, unfortunately, “I can’t help being born smart, or mastering the talent that I have been given… All you have to do is work for your talent, ask for help when you need it, and put your best effort forward” sounds a bit too lofty in my opinion. Ending on a good note, however, kudos for saying “God-given talent.”

Vampire Frenzy: Sink Your Teeth In by Celina Boifacio (2x), Marie Mhina, and Michelle Jones

Not about Twilight?! Nope, in fact, this article was centered around the original concept of vampires. All I can say is, “thank you.”

12 Angry Jurors Hits The Stage

See future article.

I tip my hat to Journalism on this issue. Good work, everyone.

EDIT: The author of the article in question has responded through a comment. Hooray!

I see dumb people all the time.

They’re everywhere; it’s hard to avoid them. What I don’t see as often (at least locally) is someone who makes such an incredibly dumb statement, whenever I think about it I get a burning feeling in my chest. No, it’s not heartburn, its raw anger that stems from frequent reminders that the American people couldn’t drop in intelligence any faster if they were all dumped in the Pacific with a medical encyclopedia chained to their ankles.

Genius of the week Michelle Jones of the Lifeguard decided to write a wonderful article called “It’s a Racist World After All: Stereotypes and Racism in American Movies,” in which she skillfully managed to look like an idiot in a single page. Now, I’m sure (actually just guessing) that Michelle is a nice person, but her political and social views are severely off.

Now would be a good time to grab a soda or something. It’s going to be a bit of a lengthy ride.

First, I’m going to give the Merriam-Webster definitions for both words in question here, then I’m going to explain why they’re different.

Racism: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

Stereotype: something conforming to a fixed or general pattern

Now, Michelle, let me explain for you what this means. When someone or something is racist, the subject in question believes or displays that a certain race is naturally superior to another. When someone or something is a stereotype, it is a generalization or assumption based on patterns or previous displays. Just because someone generalizes something about a race doesn’t mean that they’re racist! It’s very probable that they’re simply stating something based on valid past observations. Stereotyping doesn’t make us all evil, its something that we all do as human beings. No matter how hard you push, you will never remedy stereotyping, not even in your own mind.

If you’d like to start calling people racist, you should probably check your own engines first. If anyone’s racist, I’d have to say that it was the person who identified “minorities” (you). In case you didn’t know, one of the goals of America was to combine people from all over the world in a “Great Melting Pot.” If you were born in America, you’re American. Sure, racial minorities exist if you wanna start looking at skin color, hair color, and eyes, but as far as I’m concerned, we’re all one people. We ALL came from somewhere else, save the Natives, and you will never get me to agree that certain “minorities” should have more rights or privileges than others.

Let me cut this discussion short (I could go on about this forever), in the favor of analyzing Michelle’s “9 Most Racist Disney Characters” from cracked.com.

9. “The Merchant from Aladdin“: How can you even CALL him racist?! THE STORY OF ALADDIN WAS SET IN THE MIDDLE EAST. PEOPLE TALK LIKE THAT OUT THERE. MOST OF THEM ARE MUSLIM, SO THEY WEAR TURBANS. A lot of Middle-Easterners make a living as merchants! Good God…

8. “Sebastian, a Jamaican crab from The Little Mermaid“: … DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE WHO MAKE MOVIES GIVE RACES TO CHARACTERS TO MAKE THEM INTERESTING?!?!?! JAMAICAN PEOPLE TALK LIKE THAT! MOTHER OF GOD. Also, just because Sebastian sings about loving it under the sea because life’s easy does NOT mean that Walt Disney wanted to tell everyone that all Jamacians are lazy.

7. “The Jive-talking Crows from Dumbo“: Just because the crows are depicted to be black, DOESN’T MEAN THAT THEY’RE RACIST. THAT’S HOW BLACK PEOPLE TALKED DURING THE TIME. Plus, they got the coolest song in the entire movie, not to mention that they were the coolest characters. By the way, the song was recorded by the Hall Johnson Choir, which happened to be one of the most respected musical groups of the era.

6. “King Louie from the Jungle Book“: He’s voiced by a black actor, and he’s a MONKEY!!! Oh boy, that’s racist if I ever saw it! Oh man! Now that I think about it, Babe was voiced by a white girl! THEY MUST BE CALLING WHITE GIRLS PIGS. THOSE BASTARDS.

5. “The Siamese twin Gang from Chip n’ Dale Rescue Rangers“: Apparently they’re Siamese gangsters. Let me explain the logic we’ve got here: “The writers made the gangsters Asian. The writers were trying to say that Asians are criminals.” Sound dumb? I thought so too.

4. “Sunflower the Centaur from Fantasia“: Wow… this was actually a little bit racist… I guess that’s Disney for you back in the day. Ignore the music in the video. There’s one point for cracked.com and one for Michelle. SPOLIER: This post will end with both parties having one point each.

3. “The Indians from Peter Pan“: I don’t think that this is really racist, just really stereotypical. The Natives in this scene are portrayed as cool, interesting characters who are in no way presented as inferior to the white characters. Peter even has a thing for the one girl.

2. “Uncle Remus from Song of the South“: For those of you who are unaware, the film in question was not actually ever released in its entirety in the US. The Disney executives felt that people would find some parts racist. Looks like they were right. However, the character of Uncle Remus isn’t racist. Though he worked on a plantation in the film, he’s simply the storyteller of the film, and as far as I can tell, in no way was he depicted as less than another race other than that. And guess what? It was common for black people to work on plantations during the time of the movie.

1. “Thursday from Mickey Mouse and the Boy Thursday (book)”: Wasn’t this supposed to be about American movies? Nonetheless, as far as I’ve heard, Thursday is in fact a bit of a racist character (meaning his character is racist, not him as a character… you get it). In the book, Mickey opens a crate of bananas from Africa, and instead finds an African, whom he says that he’ll have to teach about the ways of civilized people.

If you’re butthurt and decide to analyze every aspect of the old Disney films, you might flail your arms and scream “RACIST!” well over a hundred times. If a couple of these films actually had a couple degrading elements in them, I have news for you. This might hurt you liberals out there a bit, so get out your medicinal marijuana.I

In the mid 1900′s, people were racist. Society today is a lot more “politically correct” than it used to be just fifty years ago. Either enjoy the movies for what they were meant to be, or go watch Twilight. The gay vampire Edward Cullen plays should make the movie diverse and accepting enough for you.

I just spent three hours on the core concept of the article, and I haven’t even analyzed the actual body text yet. I think I’ll leave that for you to do yourselves. Let me know what you make of it.

SNEAK PEAK OF ARTICLE CONTENT:

• Scar shouldn’t be a different color than all the other lions. That’s racist.
• If a black person is stupid in a film, that’s racist.
• Popular girls, dumb blonds, jocks, nerds, and gangsters are all offensive stereotypes.
• The Italian mobster sharks from Shark Tale are racist.
• It’s offensive to make the villains in a movie ugly. (Lol, what?)
• Because black actors in movies in the mid-1900′s were hard to understand because of their dialect, the movie is racist.

If you’re not a Communist, you’ll stay tuned for another article or two, because I’m low on homework this week. I’m aiming for at least three articles over Thanksgiving break, as well.

Lack of posts actually wasn’t because I’m lazy (that’s normally a good reason for everything else), but because of huge amounts of homework for one class that shall go unnamed as well as work for other personal projects that I’m involved in. Luckily, the problem should be solved by the administration this week. Anyways, on to other things.

Friday, around 15 or 20 percent of the students at LHS wore something for Halloween the next day. After detailed, 100% scientific analysis, I have determined which costume types are appropriate for Hallow’s Eve, and which aren’t. As always, if you find yourself on the receiving end of my satire this evening, I’ll forgive you.

DGA (Dave-Gay-Approved) Costumes

• Anything that makes you look so incredibly dumb that the people around you burst out laughing. Example: The bodybuilder magazine things, or whatever the hell they were. Good times.
• Anything that was clearly well planned out for maximum awesome levels. Example: Eric Nagy dressing up as himself.
• Anything so ridiculously simple that it’s hilarious. Example: The green bodysuit thing.
• Anything so perfectly made that you want to shake the wearer’s hand. Example: Brad Capone (?) as a girl.
• Anything wonderfully executed. Example: Angel’s grandma costume, complete with walker and bitching.

Non-DGA Costumes (In fact, DGD)

GIRLS: DO NOT WEAR CAT COSTUMES OR ANYTHING ELSE DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE UNLESS GOING TO A HOUSE PARTY AT  1AM THAT YOU HOPE TO GET RAPED AT.

• See above.
• Double check above.
• Do not be gay for Halloween unless you are actually gay. The last thing that I hope to see in school before Halloween (besides another damned Obama poster) is a strange arm-flailing person running throughout the school with colorful banners attached to their rainbow hair and confetti coming out of their ass.
• Do not wear dumb makeup. When I’m walking to my next class and I turn the corner, I do not want to come face-to-face with some dude with eye shadow or some chick crying “blood.” I nearly crapped myself Friday.
• Do not break the district’s guidelines for a “safe Halloween,” because I swear to you that if I have to sit through said guidelines every day for two weeks prior to the day in question and you manage to fuck up those rules either because you’re dumb or just trying to get attention or look like a rebel, I will be pissed to all Hell, and the next post you read here will be about some dumbass that will remind you fondly of yourself.

I could write a few more things, but I’ll keep it to those so that I don’t appear to be too demanding. Plus I’d sound opinionated. And everyone knows that is one thing that Dave Gay is certainly not, am I right?

Today, I’m going to rant on one of the most pointless and ill-conceived rules ever put forth into every modern school system. That’s right: The Zero Tolerance Policy. For those who don’t know or live in a city built under the ocean during the 50’s, the Zero Tolerance Policy may be the most illogical idea ever thought of by mankind.

Let’ start with the fighting version: say you are walking down the hall enjoying your ever simplistic life as it is. Suddenly, this huge enraged hulk crashes through the fabric of space-time from a parallel universe and starts to pummel you into bite-sized pieces. Sure, the kid will get suspended for making your bones into a consistency resembling Skittles, however god have mercy on your soul if you were to DEFEND YOURSELF. By doing something that may just prevent a finer consistency of your internal parts, YOU will get SUSPENDED FOR JUST AS LONG AS HE DOES.

“But Mr. Beepboop I was defending myself to prevent internal bleeding and brain injury!”

“ I DON’T CARE HE COULD NOT DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE!”

“He had a GOLF CLUB!”

“ARE YOU DEFENDING YOURSELF WITH AN ARGUMENT?! DOUBLE SUSPENSION!”

“D:”

Now comes my favorite part, the Zero-Tolerance Policy regarding medication.

“The district has a zero tolerance procedure for medication being taken when this procedure is not followed. Any child caught taking medication which has not been prescribed and/or recorded in the health office will be suspended for taking drugs.”

Diagram #2

This has so many problems it’s not even funny. Who ever thought this was a good idea? “But Mike, why come this is such a bad idea?” It’s simple. Just refer to diagram #2. Now all you have to do is replace “Diabetes” with ANY COMMON LIFE THREATENING IF NOT TREATED CONDITION. If you are a complete dumbass, you could consider religious prayer as “medication” because there are some people out there with an IQ in the negatives who think doing that somehow magically cures all diseases ever forever.

“Most of this year’s newspaper staff are new journalists, and we learn by experience. I know most of these people at some level. They are capable of creating a newspaper that is light-years beyond anything Liverpool has seen before, and we’ve made ‘incredible progress’ – said Mr. Savacool – since the newspaper was created in 2004.

Also, there simply wasn’t enough time to develop these articles the way we’d intended. The newspaper will improve dramatically over the next few months, as the new members get their feet wet and the senior editors figure out how to keep everything organized. It’s harder than you may think, but don’t get me wrong: that’s no excuse to do it as poorly as we’ve done it in the past. I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way, and so has everyone on The Lifeguard. That’s how we learn in this field.

Some of the things that have been published in The Lifeguard, especially some of the things I have written, are indefensible. However, I stand by every syllable we published in the September issue. For a completely inexperienced staff putting a newspaper together in less than two weeks, the September issue is an accomplishment, and I am proud.

Dave, your feedback is awesome, and funny! Keep it up. I’ll link to you on The Lifeguard Online.”

To me, those few paragraphs made everything all of us have accomplished so far, along with pages to come, more than worth it.

I know the story of the Liverpool newspaper, and how it slowly declined, eventually completely collapsing, and its return in 2004. Since then, the newspaper has truly made  strides, as George and Mr. Savacool have said. It’s undeniable that thanks to the countless hours of writing and researching (in some cases), our school truly has a newspaper to be proud of. Not only that, the new website, The Lifeguard Online, designed and developed by Chris Voll (?), is an outstanding achievement, functionally as well as visually.

I completely understand that newspapers are very tough to manage and produce, especially with a largely inexperienced staff. As I have never worked on a school paper, I really wouldn’t have an accurate perception of exactly how difficult it is, but I imagine that it is no small feat. Making mistakes is how one learns, especially in writing, and I hope that no one took offense to my characteristic satire. I’m glad that we have a newspaper, and I’m glad that students are learning how to effectively manipulate the English language to present effective arguments.

While some articles and views expressed by writers in past issues are nearly indefensible, I respect that everyone on The Lifeguard staff have the balls it takes to express their views to a relatively large student body. And you’re right, you should be proud. For a hastened crew of new writers, the issue was a success. I’m glad that you like what we’ve done here, and I’m glad to have you and your colleagues here in our community.

The link you’ve presented us with is an honor beyond what I ever could have imagined for a project that started off so small less than four weeks ago. I wish that there was more that I could do to thank you, save give your website a link, and promising you readers in return for those that you’ve given us. Also, it makes me smile to think that Eric Nagy and I were the cause of the the disclaimer at the end of the list of links:

“*The statements and views of any linked website are not necessarily those of the staff of The Lifeguard Online. We are not responsible for the nature of the content published in any linked website.“

Readers, in less than one month we’ve accomplished a goal that I wasn’t sure we’d ever get close to when I wrote the words “Surviving Liverpool” at the top of the page on September 12th. At the time of this writing, a search on Google using the keywords “surviving” and “liverpool” shows our page at number 6 out of 489,000, the website title “‘Surviving Liverpool,” returns pagerank 3, we have a link on the school newspaper’s website, and we were just submitted to Stumbleupon within the past 12-24 hours and have already received over 135 unique readers from that referral alone.

So far, in the month of October, we’ve brought in 784 unique visitors and counting. That’s nine days.

Obviously, this success is all of ours. However, I’d like to thank some people myself for their support during the past month. First of all, Persephone Longale, Dom Calabria, Eric Nagy, and the whole of the Off-Season Robotics team for their inital support and motivation to start up the site. Eric Nagy individually, for becoming the first official writer other than myself. Derek Markle, for submitting the first guest piece. Everyone who’s addressed me with a “hey, I love the site,” a “your website is freakin’ amazing,” or a “keep it up!” I probably wouldn’t have followed up with the whole concept if it wasn’t for those people, along with everyone who’s ever posted a comment, or even just read a post.

Here’s to victories to come.

Home at the Dome: LHS embraces new football field: This article seemed pretty good, but the topmost picture included some very strange-looking people. Result: Success

“Finding Your Niche”: It’s Not Too Late To Make Your Mark!: While I don’t have a problem with a cool story, I felt that the story of Patrick Carman was out of place, given the almost entirely unrelated title of the article, and perhaps deserved a separate article. Still, the article made a good point. Everyone has a talent, and it’s worth it to try and figure out what that talent is, useful (ex. robotics) or not remotely (ex. being able to touch your ass cheek with your tongue). Result: Okay

Feature On The New Teachers: Welcome to LHS: I’m glad that someone finally thought to make a list of new teachers and their pictures so that we know which teachers we don’t want to have because they have no idea what they’re doing. I also was thrilled how various quotes were included, all basically constituting “Liverpool’s really fun, I’m optomistic about this year, my kids are great, and I can’t wait to develop my teaching skills as the kids learn and grow with me along the educational path!” On the teachers’ pictures:

• -1 point to Allison Porzio of the English department for having her picture taken with what must be a copy of The Lifeguard from last year, because this was the first issue of the year
• +1 point to J. Peter Mishler also of the English department for having a “how does I make picture?” pose (still not sure what was the message that was trying to be sent there, but still very funny)
• +1 point to Tim Nicolais, again from the English department, for looking like Billy May’s brother. I wish I’ve seen him in the halls, because I would have shook his hand. Result: 95% Eh, 5% Awesome (thanks to Billy Mays)

Fall Fashion: Fo’ Sho or Faux Pas?: (“For Sure or Socially Awkward”? What?) First of all, who wants to read about punk clothes, and second, how do they have anything to do with Fall? Also, way to go, Marie Mhina, for putting your name in the writer-box-thing, at the end of the article: “When trends are good, life is good. OI! — Marie Mhina,” and in the middle of the article: “I (Marie) was psyched to see that this [studded clothing] was in style again, because my dream as a child was to be a punk kid in Doc. Martens with a giant red Mohawk (a dream that was stopped by my mother who would not allow that hairstyle.” What the hell is up with this “OI!” crap? Also, this article doesn’t give any arguments for studs being dumb looking, as the title implies. Also:

PROTIP: “Trends” being “good” has no effect on the quality of life. I’m sure your social life is not blossoming because you have little metal studs on your ass pocket, and we still have a Socialist president. Good work. Result: Failure

The 80s Are making A Comeback!: First of all, I’d like to say that I have never come across anyone in the halls with “headphones blasted and listening to songs like ‘Living On A Prayer’ by Bon Jovi or ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey.” Not to mention, get your shit straight. It’s “Livin’ On A Prayer,” damn it! LIVIN’. Next, no shit the 80s are “making a comeback,” every decade, previous decades make “comebacks.” It will always happen, and it’s no big deal. Basically, the article is one big bomb site. Check out some quotes from the top article of the month:

• “The 80s were a time where fashion, music and movies were all very huge.” Show me the statistics on that one. Huge in comparison to what? The 70s? The 90s? Not to mention that generally, people have liked fashion, music, and movies for a long time.
• “Somehow teenagers in the year 2009 are all for the 80s.”
• “Many people, not just teenagers, are feeling that the 80s are coming back in many different ways, but mostly in the form of music.”
• “These songs have been coming back since we were young.”
• “Because of the fact most students at Liverpool currently were born in the early 90s, around ’91 or ’92, we just barely missed the 80s.” Surprisingly, the numbers 1991 and 1992 are close to the number 1989. What a breakthrough. Also, the vast majority of seniors were born in ’92, and some in ’91. “most students at Liverpool currently” were not born during this time period. Excellent use of both statistics and the English language.
• “People from the decade feel that everyone should enjoy the same thing that they got to experience.” While this might be true, where the hell are you getting all of these “people feel” facts? Did you run around asking people how they felt, or are you just pulling shit out of your ass?
• Same thing with “Many people believe that LHS is just one of the schools where the 80s are making a gigantic comeback.”
• “One of the many stars who have died from the 80′s was Michael Jackson. Now teenagers everywhere have gotten addicted to his music because of his death.” Uh, what?
• “The 80s have been affecting everyone and everything in society. Hopefully this is a good thing for students at Liverpool.” The 80s haven’t affected my toliet, wireless mouse, my couch, my car, or my M&M candies, to name a few things. And by the way, that last line only really works when the topic is something that could actually be detrimental. And I’m not talking about becoming addicted to Pac-Man. Result: Failure

Pat on the Back

Last week’s Pat on the Back goes to Kanye West for becoming the first successful internet meme in the past few years, in under 12 hours. By last week, he had swept the tubes with his monumental asshattery. “Imma Let You Finish,” or “Yo X I’m Really Y For You,” has spawned some of the most hilarious image macros since the creation of the internet (not to mention kanyelicio.us).

Slap on the Wrist

Well, since I’m already on the topic, I might as well give the Slap to someone quasi-related. Lady GaGa, the Slap is yours. The picture below should be enough explanation.

I have to admit, she is a very good performer.

Photo submitted by Anonymous, edited by Dave Gay. The submitting party wishes for it to be known that said party did not, in fact, suck Sue’s “lollipop.”

Let’s start out with the story of Little Timmy Joe, a chipper young lad growing up in central New York.

Little Timmy Joe was born in Syracuse, New York on a cold November day in 1993. He was raised in Liverpool. At the age of five, he was moved from a local preschool to the nearest elementary school in the district. For the next seven years, Timmy Joe was taught all sorts of things. It quite rapidly became very clear that Timmy Joe was pretty dumb. Unfortunately for him, every one of his teachers did two terrible things:

• They told him that he was doing great, even though he wasn’t. He was awarded A’s for effort, and his parents applauded him for doing “so well” in school.
• They told him that he could do whatever he wanted in life if he tried.

Uh-oh.

In middle school, Timmy Joe loved his technology class, and he thought the teacher was really cool because he was always nice to him and gave Timmy good grades on his projects. And so, he decided that he wanted to be a software engineer. During high school, he was shocked that the instructors of his liberal arts classes gave him poor grades. He had never had worse than a B+ in a class before, and now he was getting C’s and D’s. Regardless, Timmy took all of the PLTW courses, as well as Java 1 and 2. He finished each one with a C or D, and failed all five exams for RIT college credit. Nevertheless, TJ pressed on, because he wanted to “write the code words for programs,” and he had always been told that he could do whatever he wanted if he tried. And boy, was he trying. He tried to do all of his homework, and tried to pay attention in class. He did terrible with both, but his teacher gave him B’s and A’s for effort, and stopped the class multiple times a day to try to explain what they were learning in “easier ways.”

Timmy finished high school with a diploma in hand, and his parents paid his way into RIT. To make a long story short, he failed each and every one of his classes (save P.E.) in the first semester, and his parents immediately stopped their support. Timmy was shaken. He couldn’t believe that he really couldn’t be whatever he wanted to be. He moved into a small, dirty apartment building on the side of a rarely driven street, and worked as a night janitor at his old school, LHS.

On his first night, Tim happened to sweep past a poster on the wall that told students that they could do whatever they wanted, if they just tried their hardest. A tear rolled down his cheek, and he left the school. The next morning, they found the mop on the floor, and later, Tim’s old car off the side of the road, with him nowhere to be found. It would’ve been his 19th birthday.

Timmy Joe lived and died in central New York. Maybe he could’ve been more if the people around him would’ve been honest with him as he grew up. The story here, folks, is that not everyone is destined for success. Let me give it to you this way:

• College: Not everyone is meant to go to college. As much as today’s educational system likes to tell everyone that they should and/or need to go to college to have a fulfilling life, it’s not true. You will not be any less of a person if you aren’t cut out for the university.
• Failure: Unfortunately, because not everyone is destined for success, some people wind up being destined for failure. The constant fuzzy happiness of the American school system will try to make you feel spectacular about yourself, and pat you on the back even if you screw up. In order to be successful, everyone needs to be told that they messed up when they did. Hearing “oh, nice try, that’s good enough,” when it really isn’t, will destroy you in life.
• Shit-Sweepers: Nobody wants to clean the shit out of the streets, but someone has to do it or we’d all be knee deep in the stuff. Not everyone can be a doctor, an engineer, or an astronaut. If you’re not that intelligent, you probably will not succeed if you shoot for something that’s above your level. I’ve heard the saying, “Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.” More accurate would be, “Set goals based on what you know you can achieve if you challenge yourself. If you shoot too high, you might just fail.”

In the real world, your employer won’t give a rat’s ass if you put effort into your job. If you don’t produce the product that your boss wants by Friday, you won’t have a job on Monday. Remember, the real world isn’t sunshine and lollipops. Don’t let the feel-good American school system fool you.